How to not go completely mental from it all - Part 1 - The morning horror

The most important thing when your horrific alarms slams the light of reality in your face, is to leave that sucker ringing, keep calm and take it slow. No rush to get anywhere. Like you want to go to work anyway, right? Am I right? With all those weird figures there, moving their mouth with sounds coming out and that all BEFORE 9 am, when you only managed to drink 2 or 3 coffees and your eyes are still half glued together.
So set your alarm preferably 1 hour in advance, (2-3 hours for women) so you are able to psychically prepare yourself for the terrors of the day.
Now, be careful, this is a very dangerous path, with a narrow tracks and steep cliffs along the sides. DONT FALL BACK TO SLEEP, YOU HALFWIT! Thats what the SNOOZE button is for. That motherfucker who thought of that should get a golden medal or a Nobel peace prize or something, cause he sure as hell saved a lot of lifes with that one little annoying button.

So after you manage to blind yourself with your phone, when trying to shut of the bloody alarm, give it a few more minutes, before you attempt the extremely ambitious plan to drag your ass on the edge of the bed and sit down.
Oh, did you want to get up and stand already?? Are you fucking nuts?! Theres lifes in stake man! Don't nuke your heart this early, you wouldn't last the day!

When you've managed to put your stinky feet on the floor and stare blankly into the wall for 10 minutes, THEN you can attempt to stand up and walk into the kitchen to brew the first coffee. Yeah, THE FIRST coffee. There’s more coming, don't worry, bud.

Don't forget to step on the cat on the way into the kitchen, so she knows who’s the boss here and maybe throw some cat food at her, from your strategically placed hide-outs every 2 meters throughout the apartment. This is even more important when you have a dog. Because that furry bastard will be awake long before you are and that sucker doesn't need coffee to be hyperactive, believe me. So to save yourself from an early morning heart attack on an empty stomach, have some treats ready. Or a bone from that skeleton you bought last month, while drunk shopping on Amazon.

Make the bloody coffee. Stare out the window and drink the coffee. Sip, don't turn it upside down the throat, you idiot!
Put the cup on something and forget about it. Snail your way to the bathroom and take a shower. Yeees, you gotta take the shower before bed and after bed. Do I really need to explain why?
Do I? Ok then! The short answer is: Those fucking “Wake me up” shower gels, don’t work! Its just a bullshit marketing to make you think, you are actually refreshed and READY FOR WORK. Do you see the irony?
After you scold yourself with a burning hot shower, because the coffee didn't work yet, do something to your face and put on some stitched together pieces of rags. Spray some uber fancy Eau du Perfume on yourself and get the fuck out the door.
Walk half way down the stairs, then turn back and walk back, because you forgot your keys in the door, laptop on your table and glasses on the bathroom sink. Slap yourself with cold water and head out again.

Next up: Part 2 - The commute